Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Hold Me Back...

My brother turns 19 next month. He hasn't yet graduated high school.

He just called to tell me his girlfriend is pregnant.

I'm going to kill someone...

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Friday, September 4, 2009

Early Pregnancy Tests

I've decided it is WAY easier for me to just wait and see than it is to take an EPT. I could test now, but they aren't always correct early on. I'd rather wait... And I have been able to avoid obsessing. If I'm not posting here you can assume it's because I am doing alright, and not stressing out...

Monday, August 31, 2009

Thank you...

...to the most amazing best friend I could ever ask for... you were a wonderful distraction today. I managed to avoid hating pregnant women, avoid glaring at strollers... Today was beautiful. Perfect. For the first time in a long time my world felt complete even WITHOUT a baby in it. Thank you. There are no words to express how much today meant to me...

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Folding...

baby clothes... -sigh-

Oh, and I'm absolutely LOVING that this entire season of Eureka has revolved around one of characters' pregnancy... (Is the dripping sarcasm obvious enough there? Even my sci fi shows aren't safe these days!)

Friday, August 21, 2009

The Process

And so it begins again... Hope everyone bears with me as I lose my mind over the next few weeks. :)

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Creating a Family

I've spent a RIDICULOUS amount of time with the girl lately. She's been a really blessed distraction during our couple of weeks between inseminations. We've always been the kind of friends who can't stop talking to each other, so we've covered a lot of topics in the last week. This morning we were discussing family, and what that means to us. The roles she, C and I each play in my family. And how badly I want to raise a baby in that loving environment.

We were also talking about C this morning. How much she loves the both of us, and wants us both to be happy. How amazing she is, how giving she is. I ended up crashing at the girl's place last night and when I got home this morning I had a note from C saying she was sorry she didn't get an opportunity to kiss me goodbye this morning. I'm not sure she knows just how much she means to me, how much those notes mean to me.

So, even though I'm absolutely DYING in this heat, I wanted to write about how great life is. My family is messed up but we're so perfect together. Me, C, the girl, her daughters, my sisters, C's brothers, and more... Nieces, nephews. We're a very lucky group of people. I can't wait to have a house I can fill up with all those people and all that love.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Deep...

I'm feeling very deep this evening. Introspective. I spent a few hours just chilling with the girl, listening to music and singing. She played this song by Bonnie Raitt... Heard it a thousand times, I own the cd... but tonight it really hit me...

"A friend of mine she cries at night, and she
Calls me on the phone
Sees babies everywhere she goes and she
Wants one of her own.
She's waited long enough she says"

Another of those moments that I remember I'm really not alone...

Monday, August 10, 2009

Conception

http://davenit.deviantart.com/art/Conception-132826966

Things to Do...

...before I'm pregnant and can't do them, or won't have the energy to do them.

That's what I'm focusing on these days.

-re-caulk the bathtub
-finish painting the bedroom trim
-reorganize storage items
-get king sized bed (check! did that yesterday)
-get plastic mat to go under bird cage
-repair bookshelf
-paint ivy trim in kitchen
-clean out cabinets in kitchen (check!)
-replace missing outlet covers
-fix broken overhead lights
-sell the bikes we aren't going to use
-clean dragon figurines (check!)
-wrap Christmas presents (yes, I'm already thinking Christmas. I work retail. Have to plan early.)
-clean out old magazines
-clean back hallway (check!)
-legally change name
-change bedroom art
-sell computer
-wash curtains (check!)
-replace broken mini blinds (except the one by the parrot, seems pointless to replace that one so long as he's still using it as a chew toy)
-clean the rest of the mini blinds
-clean fans (check!)

That's the list for now... All the things I want done before we're pregnant, or before the pregnant belly is so big it gets in the way.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Well...

We'll be trying again in a couple of weeks I suppose.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Gayby's...

This article is about kids who have grown up with gay parents.

Gayby Article

Monday, August 3, 2009

At Home Insemination

It's not pleasant. There are a million websites on how to do it, the technicals of it. How do you handle how incredibly unpleasant it is? I'm already dreading it and it's a couple weeks away... -sigh-

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Love It

Brilliant comic strip about Oxytocin

A few thoughts...

-People who get pregnant on accident have no idea how lucky they are... I know there are downfalls to it, obviously, but they'll never spend two full weeks wondering if they are pregnant because by the time they start wondering they can test and it'll probably be accurate...

-The symptoms of early pregnancy and the symptoms of PMDD are very similar.

-Being pregnant in the summertime must SUCK... I hate the heat now, can't imagine how it would feel 7 or 8 months pregnant. I hope I never have to go through that... (my love to you eatmisery)

-I eat a lot now, how much will I eat when I'm eating for more than just me?

-I'm tired. I want to go back to bed. I want this to be easier.

Friday, July 31, 2009

We NEED this onesie!





Or maybe we need the bib version... Or the kids hoodie... Or all of the above. lol
mombian.com

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

A Day Out

Going to spend today with C and my inlaws on a boat. I'm looking forward to a day with people who don't know that I might be pregnant. I purposely avoided taking a test yesterday simply because I didn't want the results on my mind or C's mind. See, I can be a patient person.

The entire idea that the mind can create symptoms of being pregnant fascinates me. Can't help but wonder... One of the symptoms I have right now is something I didn't realize happens to pregnant women, however it can also happen to stressed out women, so who's to say? And one of the symptoms that would have been an obvious sign to me I don't have at all...

So, I'm off... Here's to hoping I don't puke all over the boat!

Monday, July 27, 2009

Elton

Hey you, you're a child in my head
You haven't walked yet
Your first words have yet to be said
But I swear you'll be blessed

I know you're still just a dream
your eyes might be green
Or the bluest that I've ever seen
Anyway you'll be blessed

And you, you'll be blessed
You'll have the best
I promise you that
I'll pick a star from the sky
Pull your name from a hat
I promise you that, promise you that, promise you that
You'll be blessed

I need you before I'm too old
To have and to hold
To walk with you and watch you grow
And know that you're blessed

Sunday, July 26, 2009

hehehe

I bitched and bitched about not wanting everyone to know my cycle... lol... And then I made a little ticker with a little fag-bunny hopping across it so all my blog readers know exactly what it is!

hehehe

I know, I contradict myself... but he is a cute little dancing fag bunny...

Friday, July 24, 2009

The Vagina Monologues

On the fourth of July a friend made a reference to "The Vagina Monologues" and was shocked when I told him I hadn't seen it. It was on my Netflix Queue but kept getting bumped to the bottom of the list for other movies. I am a woman, a lesbian, a politically-aware person, a victim of abuse, a theatre geek, and I want to be a mom. He knows all this, and these are the reasons he was shocked I hadn't seen this movie. Now that I have seen it, I understand his shock. However, I also know why I hadn't seen it before. The universe was holding it for me... Waiting. For this moment. For this point in my life. When I have to accept my femininity more than I ever have before. When I had to actually go LOOKING for a man, after spending ten years convincing the world I don't have a use for them. There are a million reasons.

All those lame things people say like "this movie changed my life" and "I'll never forget..." blah blah... Well, I don't think I'd go THAT far. It hasn't changed my life... But it has given me a sense of comfort in what we are trying to accomplish. A sense of comfort I didn't have before.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Let Me Be!

I turned on "Cybill". Maryanne was taking a pregnancy test.

I switched to "That 70's Show"... Kelso was watching his daughter for the first time.

"Reba"... Cheyenne is pregnant for the 2nd time.

"Torchwood"... Gwen (who told her husband she never wanted kids because her career comes first) is pregnant.

"King of Queens"... A show about a couple that is childless... and they're discussing whether or not they'll want a baby one day!!!

So I came online only to find a woman with an infant hanging out in my virtual vampire club...

WTF?

I give up! I'm finally at a point where what happens from here on out is really out of my hands. I don't have to think about paperwork, finding a donor, any of that. I can finally calm down. All I want is to be able to quiet my mind, relax, and wait and see what happens and the world won't fucking let me! Just give me a few moments without babies! Please!!! I don't want to be obsessed but the minute I stop thinking about babies, one shows up!!!

Feeling Sick

It's not morning sickness, but of course since so many people know we're trying the minute I complain of nausea everyone drives me nuts with that question...

So, since it was on my mind anyway when my sister called last night I asked her if she had morning sickness. She said not only did she not get any morning sickness while pregnant, my mom never did either. My mom had five kids and not a bit of morning sickness.

Either way the nausea and urge to puke I've been feeling the last twenty four hours is just the bug that everyone I work with has right now! Nothing more! Relax people! Give me some air!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

No Privacy

Now that we'll be actively trying to get pregnant I'm very uncomfortable with how many people know that. If I could have I would have avoided anyone besides C, the girl, the donor and myself knowing that we'd started trying. But that just didn't work out... I needed someone to get me syringes and couldn't bring myself to pay for them when I could get them for free. I have a friend who works with wildlife so I asked her to give me some. Unfortunately, that meant telling her when we would need them... She came over today and immediately asked if I'd bought a bunch of pregnancy tests so we were prepared. -breathes- Oh, and that friend lives with two of our other closest friends... And we all work together...

I feel like everyone is going to be watching me, waiting. Looking for signs of pregnancy. Bad enough that I'll be doing that! I don't want everyone else to! I have miscarried once before and because of this I don't really want to tell EVERYONE the minute we find out we're pregnant. But people are going to be looking for signs, because so many people know we're trying.

I'm also nervous about when we are pregnant, and when we do tell people, how that is going to go... With people who knew me when I swore I would never have kids... With family members who don't approve of my marriage... This won't be the happy announcement it should be with everyone... With most people we know it will be... but not everyone. And some of the people it won't go over well with are people that really matter... even though I don't necessarily want them to matter, they do.

Just feeling a lot of pressure today, I guess... Feels like it's all on me right now... -sigh-

I miss feeling like the strong, together one. I just feel so weak, out of control and scattered lately... I miss having someone rely on me instead. What was it the girl said? I just need a distraction...

Saturday, July 18, 2009

I'm Tired...

...of so many people being involved.

...of this being so "weird" and "abnormal".

I'm ready for the "normal" stuff to begin... Like morning sickness and baby puke...

Thursday, July 16, 2009

We Have A Donor

This is real. We are no longer the lesbians looking for sperm. We have a donor. He's tested clean and good to go. We're signing paperwork Saturday night with our notary (a.k.a. the girl) and our first insemination will follow within a few days after that.

I think it hit C tonight in a way it hadn't before. All of a sudden she is... SO EXCITED. Beyond anything I've seen up to this point. I keep having to remind her that it takes the average woman 4-6 months to get pregnant. She's pinning a lot of hopes on it not taking us that long. Honestly, I'm okay if it takes four to six months. I expect it to, even. Just knowing we have a donor and the process really can begin now makes me hate pregnant women a little less... lol

However, I'm beginning to think about money. I hope we can get enough into savings in the next few months to make me feel comfortable. We really don't have a lot to BUY for our baby so that's not an issue. I'm more concerned with covering medical expenses and time off from work. So, I'm going to start paying really close attention to our finances and trying to build us a little financial cushion as we begin this process... Any way I can make some extra cash I'm jumping on right now.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Yesterday

I babysat a friend's 3 year old yesterday. He's a very sweet child, but a handful like any other 3 year old. When we were at the grocery store I would step back a step or two to grab something and as I stepped back to the cart he would put his arms out for a hug every time. He and I played here for a few hours while I did some housework. We made chocolate cupcakes (which means I made cupcakes while he chased the cats around with any household object he could get his hands on). And, of course, we went to the park for awhile. His mother kept jokingly saying that he may turn me off from wanting kids altogether.

Completely the opposite. He confirmed for me yesterday that I want a child. Not only do I want a child, I want to be a stay at home mom. Or at least only work part time. I don't know that we can do that. C says she'll find a way, because she wants nothing more than to give me everything I dream of. I know she wants to do that. But I don't see how we will do it. Today's economy and society do not encourage stay-at-home-mom's.

On top of that, the feminist in me sometimes screams at me for wanting that. I think of the movie "Mona Lisa Smile". Julia Robert's character can't comprehend why her student would want to be a stay at home mom, and why she would give up law school and a career for children. To me it makes sense. I don't want to give up my career, but I want to be home with my children. And, at the moment, I have a job not a career. Photography is my career, and it's not enough of a career yet to support me. I suppose my goal should be to make it a career. When we have a house I hope to have the space for an in home studio, which would put my work as close to my child as possible.

I suppose that what yesterday confirmed for me was that I need to make my dreams of a photography career into a reality. I like to be home during the day. I enjoy cleaning my house. I enjoy sorting and folding laundry. I enjoy creating meals for my family.

After the child went home C's niece, her niece's husband and her nephew all came over for dinner. Just after they left my sister, her boyfriend and my 7 month old nephew stopped by. We had a full house from 6:30am until nearly 9 pm yesterday. I loved it. I was exhausted, but I loved it. I gave each person that stopped by a cupcake (food is love) and I enjoyed making a meal for the family members who were here at dinner time. I fell asleep at 9:30 last night. But I fell asleep feeling accomplished and more satisfied with my life than I normally do. To me, yesterday was perfect. Yesterday was exactly what I would love to spend the next 5 years or more of my life doing.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

One More Week

We should hear the results from his testing in one week. Once those come back we're good to go.

"There are only two worthwhile things to leave behind when you depart this world of ours: children and art."
from "Sunday In The Park With George"

I applied for a second job today. I want this job, but if I don't get it I'll be applying a few other places. My hours keep steadily decreasing at work. I love how much I'm getting done at home, but we just can't afford it. As much as we hated having a roommate... I really wish we had one now. Anything would help really.

I sat here with a ton of things on my mind... and I find myself with nothing to say.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Baby Clothes

For the last two years we've been collecting baby clothes. Most of the clothes have giraffes and penguins on them, which isn't a great surprise to anyone who knows us. We plan to decorate our child's room in animals and I plan to move my grandmother's fish tank into our child's room. That way my grandmother can watch over our child.

Today we moved in a small dresser that a friend was getting rid of. It's only three drawers and I've filled one drawer with clothes and one drawer with blankets.

I played with fabric paints. A blanket we have that said "I love my mommy" now says "I love my mommies" instead. :)

Saturday, July 4, 2009

I could really do without the dreams...

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

-sigh-

Alex brought in photos of his newborn.

Then Micki came in to show off her pregnant belly.

Melissa came in half an hour later to do the same.

Then came Kelsey with baby Devyn, so I could meet her for the first time.

Now I'm hanging in Second Life in a Vampire club and a pregnant chick walks in... NEVER seen a pregnant chick in this club before in the two years I've been hanging here.

The girl says it's the universe confirming that I need a baby... Not letting me forget it...

I'm thinking I'm going to take this kahlua to bed and try really hard not to think for the next 8 hours...

Testing

So far so good, but a few of the tests won't come back for two weeks.

Pre-menstrual want-kill-everyone-who-crosses-my-path is hitting me. I can feel it this morning. I don't have any interest in food when I'm like this which also doesn't help the mood. I just have to remind myself that is what this is. And wait it out.

Monday, June 29, 2009

I hope...

...that when we have a baby I will still find a day here and there to spend in the kitchen, cooking for my loved ones, like I am today. I want my child to grow up looking forward to mom's bread, like I looked forward to my dad's bread as a kid. There was nothing like walking through the door after school to the smell of french bread, and having him hand me a slice with nutella on it. It was a rare event, but I think that made me appreciate it even more.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Insemination

We have the book "The Guide To Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy and Birth" and it talks about setting the scene for at-home insemination. Incense, candles, music, whatever you want. I purchased Patchouli incense today for this purpose. Patchouli is a scent I really love, it is tied magickally to women's secrets and fertility, and it's a very relaxing scent so it's one I think will work really well for this process.

I'm just a hippie at heart, because the whole candles, incense, music thing really intrigues me. Every conception is different. One night stand or wedding night, it's all different. We have an opportunity that heterosexual couples don't always get. We get to choose the genes we want to pass on, we get to choose the timing, we get to choose the location of conception. We get to choose the environment for conception. There have been times I've been overwhelmed by all the choices we get to make, because there are so many choices. But if I stand back and look at the big picture, we're lucky. And creating the perfect environment for insemination is just one more way we are lucky.

I've said since we first discussed the possibility of a baby that I will decide it all, as long as I am medically allowed. Did I mention I'm a control freak? Obviously if there is something wrong it will be out of my hands, and I will have to trust doctors. But as long as I am capable, I will be deciding. I have a friend who had a baby a couple of years ago and when I asked her, "Do you plan to get drugs, or go natural?" she said, "I thought the doctors would decide that?" This conversation was a week before her baby was born. She hadn't educated herself on her childbirth choices at all. When I told her that should be her decision she said, "Why?" I, on the other hand, am a researcher. I've read everything from detailed descriptions of c-sections to at home births. I've even read accounts of women purposely giving birth alone in the woods (which is way too scary for me to even comprehend). I've read about women who have orgasmed as the baby was born, and some women actually believe that if the mother holds onto that concept, it is perfectly natural. The quote I read was "you start the pregnancy that way, why not bookend it?" I've watched more videos of births than I care to remember.

I don't know exactly what I want yet, but I'll have nine months to decide on that. I do, however, know what I want for our insemination process, and have started collecting things. The one thing I can't find, that I really want, is some sort of small sculpture that represents family. I want some sort of abstract, primitive statue of two people with a baby. Most of those statues distinctively show a male and a female, but I've seen a few that were very androgynous. I want to put it at the head of our bed while we're going through this process. Kind of a symbol of the family we want to create.

It's all symbolic with me. I will wear the right jewelry, the right oils, drink the right teas. All in hopes that the gods will see what I'm planning and lend their support. I can be a very superstitious person...

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Straightening Things Out

The donor goes for his testing Tuesday evening. I really think he's the ideal donor, so lets hope it goes well!

C and I have been talking quite a bit the last 24 hours. I'm a control freak. I have a really hard time letting go of responsibilities. If something needs to be done I feel like I have to do it. If I don't do it it won't get done right, or it won't get done at all. Because of this I've been handling everything. I've done all the paperwork for our donor contract, all the research into insemination, all the financial planning. Everything. I need to be able to pass some things off to C, but I'm not sure how to handle that. If I do give her things to do one of two things will happen... I'll hate how she does it (cause I'm anal) and I'll redo it, or I'll feel like she isn't getting it done in time and I'll nag her until we fight about it. Then she'll do it just to get me off her back... Which will irritate me and I'll redo it just so it isn't tainted by the fact that she did it in anger.

See the issue here?

So, I was going to talk to the girl tonight about it, but she's basically in the process of flipping the f*** out... so I'll be waiting to talk to her about it later. When I talked to her she was at that "so angry nothing else can possibly enter my mind" point. We all know I've been there before, so I can understand... I just gotta wait for her to simmer a little while now.

Since I couldn't talk to the girl tonight I sat back down here at my computer and ended up talking to the person I least expected to ask questions about babies. She hates kids. Always has. Has no interest in children. But I didn't even bring it up... she prompted the conversation and ended up being the venting point for me that the girl wasn't able to be this evening. Surprised me, but it was nice...

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

some women are from Venus, some are from Mars...

I spoke with the donor last night and he assured me he'll be making an appointment this afternoon for his testing and that he still very much wants to do this. Some things going on in his personal life had overwhelmed his thoughts for a few days so he had forgotten to make the appointment. I don't blame him, because I know the things he's talking about and they are really big things... Devastating things. I feel for him.

The girl and I are talkers. We express ourselves. We write, we talk, we sing. C is laconic. Exhaustingly so. Sometimes I feel as though I have to fight to get her to tell me how she feels. I met the girl just a few months after I met C, and yet I know the girls thoughts, confusing as they can be. I can read her. I can't read C. She remains shrouded in mystery most of the time. Opposites attract, and C and I are complete evidence of that. She is everything I'm not. I feel this will make us good parents, because we balance each other out. But sometimes it's very difficult to live with someone who barely speaks. To me quality time is spent conversing. She'd just as soon sit in front of the tv, so long as we're side by side.

This is something we've discussed many times and have worked to balance out. She tries to talk with me, I try to sit silently with her. But when I'm feeling incredibly emotional or frustrated her inability to discuss my emotions with me only makes it worse. A lot of times her answer is "have you talked to the girl about this?" because she knows that the girl gets it. The girl understands emotions. C doesn't. It's not a fault, it's simply a manner of difference between us.

When people say "gay marriage isn't right" they are fools. Because my marriage is exactly like every other. Venus fell in love with Mars...

Monday, June 22, 2009

Each Month Passes

It's my body. I am aware of it's cycles. To others it may seem like we're just waiting for a donor, just waiting for the right timing... to me it's another month we've passed. Another ovulation that amounted to nothing. Another wasted egg as we wait for a donor.

Our donor who said yes hasn't gone for his testing. I'm honestly not sure he will be our donor. My instincts are telling me he's having second thoughts about it... I'm hoping to catch him online tonight to talk about it. It's so much easier to talk about some things when you aren't face to face. I'm a writer by nature. For me everything comes out better in writing than it does out loud.

I'm just angry lately. I'm tired. I feel very alone in this process. C doesn't share my body, she doesn't know when I'm ovulating, and how it feels to know we've just passed another opportunity without any chance of a baby. She doesn't understand. She may want a baby, but it doesn't matter when she ovulates. It doesn't matter how her health is. It's not up to her to do the charting to figure out the optimal timing for insemination and all that...

If he is having second thoughts I hope he says something very soon because I want to move on to our next choice... Waiting puts me in a VERY bad mood...

The girl took us out for ice cream tonight. She's so amazing and understanding... I don't know how I would handle these emotions if I didn't have her.

Friday, June 19, 2009

One Sentence Says All

A woman came into my store today. She was a stereotypical lesbian. Beyond stereotypical. Short, chubby, L.L. Bean sweatshirt, a leather rainbow wrist cuff, socks and sandals... the whole deal. She was shopping with her mother and her 3 year old little boy. I didn't pay too much attention until I overheard an exchange between this woman and her mother. They were trying to get the little boy out of the store, which is difficult in a pet store. Kids do love animals. Her mother jokingly said, "Why don't you go get me another grandchild?" and the woman looked at her and said, "Mom, I'm gay. It was hard enough getting this child!"

With that one sentence she said everything. Everything.

It was hard enough getting this child.

She left my store without a clue as to how her sentence had hit me. We're not alone. A few years ago this woman went through what we are going through, in one way or another. We are not the only lesbians working their asses off to have a baby.

Tomorrow is our Pride festival. Lots of lesbians with babies will be around. Proof that it is possible... We will get the family we want.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

driving this train...

I went to see the donor yesterday. He hasn't "had a chance" to go for the testing yet.

I'm so ready to get this process started, and there's nothing I can do. I just have to wait.

I am NOT a patient person and I feel like I'm surrounded by procrastinators.

Monday, June 15, 2009

therapist

Again I find myself playing therapist for my friend who recently miscarried. I used Eat Misery's Blog as proof for her that what she is feeling is normal. Her mom keeps making her feel like she should just "get over it". I can't believe how cold her mother has been about this. Actually, I believe it entirely because I know her mother... Her mother and I hate each other, and with good reason. So I'm trying to explain to her that what she is doing is grieving, that she needs to just relax and let herself feel what she's feeling.

And I need to just relax and let myself feel what I'm feeling. The anxiety, the nervousness, the impatience. I'm on edge right now, waiting to find out if our chosen donor's std testing comes back clean. I'm terrified it won't come back clean...

I fear we'll turn into the lesbians in the opening episode of "The L Word" just asking any and every male they know for sperm.

Fear. Seems I've been using that word a lot lately.

When this friend got pregnant she sent a not-so-nice message to her ex, who is also a "friend" of mine, saying "obviously the reason we couldn't have a baby was you, because I'm pregnant now." Last week he came into my store and childishly informed me that the day of her miscarriage was "the giddiest day" of his life. If I hadn't been at work, I would have hit him. I know she said some bad things to him... but to be HAPPY because someone miscarried? Miscarriages are so common, and yet people who have never experienced one just don't get it. They can't get it. Which is frustrating... A few days before she realized she was having a miscarriage I had lectured her about the fact that she should have waited to get pregnant. I still stand by that. She has no job, no driver's license, and lives with her emotionally abusive and controlling mother. But I also feel guilty for the timing on that discussion.

I just can't believe he said those things. The idea that he could be HAPPY about her miscarriage... the he didn't feel the slightest bit of compassion for her, or her child...

I'm babbling. I'm exhausted. I'm going to go curl up with my wife...

Sunday, June 14, 2009

I want to be pregnant

There was a time I swore I didn't want kids...

I want a baby.

I can't stop thinking about it. It's become obsessive. I want it.

I feel like at least if we were able to start trying now it'd feel better, but I'm not sure... Maybe once we start trying I'll become even more anxious.

I never wanted to feel this way. I'm a little pissed at the world for the fact that I do feel this way...

Saturday, June 13, 2009


baby details by ~Juliephotography on deviantART

Donor Identity

Hiding the identity of the donor is going to be difficult. I can tell this already... Because everyone wants to know.

I've already decided that when people outside my little circle ask how we got pregnant my answer will be immaculate conception. Or alien abduction, I haven't decided which... But that will be my polite way of saying "none of your fucking business, kiss my lesbian ass." lol

A straight couple who has fertility issues may use a donor or something, but people don't presume to ask them such questions!

But people close to us want to know. We don't want them to, the donor we're hoping for doesn't want anyone to know. We won't tell anyone... but it's hard.

A very close friend of mine, who also happens to be a coworker, asked last night if we had decided on a donor. I told her we're waiting for him to come back clean on his STD testing. She asked if she was allowed to know who it was and I said, "no, I'm sorry". She said she understood. She was amazing about it, really. She isn't a nosy person at all. In fact, most of the time she's perfectly happy not knowing anything... until it's presented to her as a mystery. Knowing she CAN'T know was driving her crazy. She has an overworked mind she can't shut off, which is something I can completely relate to. She was trying so hard not to be bothered by the fact that she wasn't allowed to know, but her mind was just reeling with the possibilities. I could see it.

I love her for the way she handled it, but it made it almost harder to not tell her.

C and I are not the type to lie to anyone, so not being able to tell people the truth about who our donor is will be very difficult for us. All I can do is hope that one day people stop asking...

Thursday, June 11, 2009

I wish...

that there was a way for us to go to camp for a few days and make a baby there. I wish that was possible. There's just no way.

I hate that we have to involve other people.

The girl and I went to get some paperwork notarized at the town hall for her to become a notary. Part of the reason I want her to be a notary is because I want someone we are close to and trust to notarize paperwork like the donor contract. As we were leaving I said to her, "Now you see why I wouldn't want to take paperwork like a donor contract to a stranger to notarize?" There is no privacy to it. There are already too many people involved in this process, I don't want to add to the list. I wish there was a way for it to be just about us and our baby and our family. It's just not possible. It doesn't work that way. Maybe after the baby is born it will be, but until then...

The phrase "It takes a village to raise a child" comes to mind... only in this case, it feels like it's taking a village to MAKE a child...

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

money

Everyone says "you'll never feel like you have enough money to have a kid".

When you have to find a way to buy a new computer randomly one wednesday evening you really feel that...

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Long Update... Still no computer at home.

In my entry on June 2nd about depression I said "It's not PMS". Well no, it wasn't PMS. But I did start my period just a couple of days after that. I looked back through my calendar and it was right on time, I just did my math wrong when predicting when I would start next.

It wasn't PMS, it was PMDD. When I was a teenager my doctor said I would probably develop it because I was showing early signs of it. In the last year it appears to have hit full force. I don't get normal cramps. I get cramps that will literally knock me to my knees as I'm walking across a room. Last Tuesday night I was actually having suicidal thoughts. Nothing out of control, but definitely beyond the norm of a woman with PMS. When I started my period on Saturday it hit me that it was because of my cycle.

I've been doing some research into PMDD and the effects it has on a woman. From what I've read it tends to affect more women who already have some form of depression, it just makes their depression worse the week before they begin their menstrual cycle. It also increases a woman's chance of having postpartum depression or postpartum psychosis. Definitely something that I will need to discuss with my doctor once we do get pregnant.

When your body completely revolts on you once a month, causes you pain that keeps you out of work, makes you puke, and gives you depression so bad you're suicidal... well, you'd hate your body, too. I don't really hate my body, but I've never really liked being a girl. I don't want to be a guy either. I like looking really androgynous. But as I look at PMDD it makes sense that part of me would really hate being a girl!

C and I were talking last night about what we will tell our child about the donor. The donor we've chosen has no interest in being a father. His exact words were "this would be a gift to you two, because I think you should be parents. I have one child and I have no interest in being dad!"

One of the books I'm reading suggests telling the story from day one. Whispering to your sleeping infant that they are the product of a gift, and that a really nice man made the donation to bring them into the world. Tell them they are a product of true love, because their parents went through so much to create them. I like that idea a lot. One of the things the book says is that this gives you the opportunity to perfect the story as they get older, so that by the time they actually understand the words you know exactly how it all sounds.

I'm actually interested in how that will work out. C and I have very different communication styles, and when our child asks me birds and bees questions the answer will be very different from when they ask C. I'm curious. Will our child end up communicating like C? Like myself?

Like any other would-be parent I wonder a lot about these things. Will they like football like C does? Art like I do? Will they listen to the girl's music? Will they want to draw in sidewalk chalk, or would they rather crash matchbox cars into each other on the kitchen floor? Will they have someone they compete with like the girl's granddaughter and grandson do? Will they miss out by not having siblings?

I have been itching to write here for a few days and this was my first opportunity. Huge thanks to the girl for the use of her computer as I still battle a virus on my own! Send some love to my computer so I can be on here more often.

Friday, June 5, 2009

feelings...

are funny things.

I'm starting a new meditation regiment. We'll see if that helps this anxiety thing any. I am really worried about hurting those around me, or damaging my relationship with those around me so I know I need to do something... Just trying to figure out what.


And in the meantime I'm battling the VIRUS FROM HELL on my computer. Typing this real fast at the girl's house...

Last night I held my 6 month old nephew. I was REALLY pissed off because of the virus on my computer and a few other things. He fell asleep in my arms. Sunk into my chest. Melted away my anger. And all I could think is "yes, this is what I need in my life."

A few minutes before that C sat on the couch with him talking to him as he babbled back at her. It was precious. This is what she needs, too.

Going out Saturday night. I think that will help a lot. Dancing, drinking, out with C, the girl and the girl's daughter. I need that sense of normalcy. I'm sure by Sunday morning I'll feel a lot better.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Tests and Stuff

We may have a donor... He has to get his testing done. If he's good, we're good.

I look forward to C and the girl making a fuss over the pregnancy.

I dread anyone else making a fuss over it... I hate to be fussed over.

But in this case, it seems okay for C and the girl to fuss...

Donor Meeting

Tonight we meet with another potential donor. Someone I swore off for awhile, but more and more he seems like the right choice... He's offered before so unless his health has changed in some way we aren't aware we know he's interested. We just have to discuss the terms of the situation with him. The fact that he would be required to give up parental rights right after the baby is born and all that...

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Nothing to do with becoming a mom...

...but I don't want to say this on my other blogs because of certain people that read them.

I will NOT jump on the bipolar/manic/depressed bandwagon. I refuse.

But moments like this I have to wonder...

I have no real reason to be depressed. I have no real reason for this anxiety I'm feeling. Not a solid one... Yet my mind won't shut up. All I want to do is sleep. And I could cry right now for nothing.

It's not PMS. It's just... It feels stupid, really.

It is stupid. I hate feeling like I'm depressed for no reason. The things I was feeling sad about have passed. I just can't seem to shake the feeling...

I felt this same way a couple of weeks ago. That day I had this sinking feeling that turned into a HUGE conversation with my wife and I asked the girl a question that upset her. A few hours later I was sitting at the computer and it just... broke. It snapped. And I felt better. Like, out of nowhere the anxiety just lifted.

A week before that it started with someone making a comment to me and ended in me creating this blog.

I can hope for it to just lift now like it did then, but that doesn't make it any easier. It's also not a SOLUTION. This is the third time in two months that I've felt this way.

I feel as though I'm holding the world with slippery hands, and I may lose it at any moment. I may lose my grasp on all that I love. I feel INCREDIBLY selfish and self-absorbed. I feel like crying.

And I have no idea why I'm feeling any of this. That's the hardest thing... I don't have a clue where this is coming from. Or how to get rid of it...

Is this the price I pay for being the way I am with people? Maybe I focus SO MUCH on other people that this is my mind's way of shutting off my compassion and giving me a break... It does feel like a break, in some ways. And maybe I can't shake it because part of me relishes this break and doesn't want it to end...

Or maybe I'm just bordering on insane. Standing on the edge of a cliff. About to fall into TRUE insanity.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Schedules

It's all about schedules. We need a time to get donor choices number 2 and 3 over to discuss things with them and figure out who we'll be going with. It's all about schedules. If I'm available, C isn't. If he's available I'm not. It's very frustrating... -just breathe- It'll happen. I know it will.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

miscarriages

My friend had a miscarriage. She and I had been having trouble communicating without fighting because even the strongest of us can't avoid those feelings of jealousy when a friend can have a baby and we can't... Well, now she doesn't have a baby anymore, and we find ourselves feeling many of the same feelings towards our friends who are pregnant.

Now I find myself counseling her on how to work through her feelings about her miscarriage. I had one 6 years ago. I was only a few weeks to a month pregnant. Hadn't even told my spouse yet, which I still love because I never got the pity looks. And in reality, I'm really glad I had that miscarriage, because it meant that I didn't have a baby to tie me to that horrible relationship. And I was able to find C and have the beautiful relationship I have with her, the family we have here. But still sometimes when I hear the name I had already chosen for that baby, I feel my heart jump at times.

I've always been better at dealing with things when I can use them to help others. I'm a constant counselor. Actually, my therapist in high school spent HOURS trying to convince me to go into therapy as a profession. I've been through a lot and come out shining from most situations so I guess she felt I'd be good at it. Really, though, I'm happy just helping those I love. And because I can spend this time helping her work through her grief, I feel better about my own feelings.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Does it ever end?

That's what the girl said. And it's so how I feel.

Does it ever end?

C turns on "Cybill" for me (I'm a complete sitcom junkie) and the episode HAPPENS to be the one when her daughter has her baby.

EVERY blog is about babies, or pregnancy, or something.

Every time I turn around someone is talking about it, asking about it...

I'm very aware of when I ovulate so each month I know when our chance passes and we still don't have a donor decided.

I spent a beautiful evening just chilling with the girl. Talking. In that way one can only do with their best friend. It all felt so good.

Now I just want to curl up and cry because someone VERY close to me just said she wants to have a baby. She's not pregnant. She's not even trying. But the fact that I know she can just decide one month they're ready, and she and her husband can start trying. And for most couples it is just that easy...

Not so much for us. And it's exhausting to think about, exhausting to watch...

I wish C was awake... or that I could go back to the girl's place and just be held...

One day. All in good time. Everything happens when it's supposed to.

Blah blah blah.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

my nephew

My sister stopped by today with my baby nephew. I think she just looks for excuses to show him off. :)

He's a sweetie. I adore him. I have fallen entirely in love with this child.

However, when he fell asleep on her and she said, "I could sit with him like this for hours if he'd stay asleep. It's my favorite thing in the world" my heart skipped a bit. And I just wanted to cry.

Friday, May 22, 2009

My relationship with my mom...

I have a very strained relationship with my mother. I'm on the phone with her as I write this. She has been having a lot of problems with diverticulitis. In a few weeks she's supposed to have surgery. Part of my problem with my mother is I've never felt like I could rely on her. She calls me to borrow money, she calls me to cry on my shoulder, she calls me because she is in pain and doesn't know what to do. I don't feel like I can call her for these things. The roles feel very reversed.

I don't have much of a relationship with my father at all. We are polite to each other. I don't honestly remember the last time I hugged him or the last time he told me he loved me. He's not accepting of the fact that I'm gay, and is openly against homosexual rights, gay marriage, etc.

Growing up I felt very much closer to my grandmother. My grandmother and my uncle were the first to say they accepted that I was gay, and loved me no matter what. The two of them and my aunt were my world growing up. Since both my uncle and my grandmother are gone I find myself missing that sort of parental relationship. I feel as though I'm ready to be on the other end of it. I want to be mom now. I want to have that mother/child bond that I've always felt was missing from my life. I accept that the chances of getting it with my own parents are slim, but I am ready to be the parent.

In our First Time Home Buyers Class last night they talked about "gift money" you can recieve from family to pay for a house.

My mother needs to borrow money from me this weekend...

This is a constant issue with me when it comes to my mother. We just talked for forty minutes. I can tell her about my friends new car, about the girl's granddaughter assuming we'll always come visit her on Sunday afternoon, about the weddings I'm photographing this summer... But I can't tell her I want a baby. I can't tell her that C and I are working on mounds of paperwork to protect our relationship since we can't be legally married. I can't tell her any of that...

I hope that when I have a child they feel they can rely on me. I don't want them to feel the role reversal that I've grown up with... At least, not until I'm really old and need someone to buy me Depends. :)

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

My Little World

I have never really traveled far from home. The furthest I've gone is New York state when I was 12. And honestly, I'm okay with that. I like my comforts of home. I would love to go to Australia, to England, to Paris. Those are the three biggies for me... However, I would trade that entirely for the opportunity to have a home filled with my family. I'm perfectly okay with never leaving the state my whole life, so long as I can have a baby, a home of my own, our pets, and the comforts I'm awarded by the love of C, the girl, and the rest of our family.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Homeowners

Tonight we start a class for First Time Homebuyers. It's four classes over the next two weeks. After we complete it we recieve a certificate that will give us all kinds of state help and benefits toward buying a house.

I would love to own a home before we have a baby, but that may not be possible. If not, at least soon afterward. I was moved a lot as a child, and never felt completely secure in my home. Because of this it has always been really important to me that my child have a secure home. I would love for our child to be able to go back to their childhood home as an adult and feel like it's still home, ya know?

So, tonight we start that process. Learning how to become homeowners.

The plan is to buy a house that has an inlaw apartment, and rent that out to the girl. The dream is to be in our yard with our child in the early afternoon, just as the girl is getting out of bed (she works an evening shift), and sitting with her while she drinks her coffee and C chases our little one around the yard. I picture a home with a lot of love and a lot of laughter, because in our little family we are never lacking in those...

Sunday, May 17, 2009

He said no...

Time for step number 2...

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Tomorrow...

I hold a lot of stock on what happens tomorrow.

There's a chance it could change our lives forever.

There's a chance we may still find ourselves waiting for an answer.

There's a chance we may spend tomorrow evening plotting a different course.

It's incredibly difficult to sleep with so many things waiting in the morning...

Friday, May 15, 2009

Having a Known Donor

We've said from the start that we would like to have a known donor. We want our donor to be "uncle" to our child. We want them to know, when they are older, who the donor was. We do NOT, however, want anyone else to know. We will know, the donor, his spouse (if he has one), and the notary who signs our paperwork. That's it. Part of our donor contract that we have written out states that none of us will tell anyone who the donor is.

I emailed a lawyer that has been helping in this, and who I plan to hire later if need be when C goes for second parent adoption. Her response was: "One thing you should know, as I’m sure you already do, is that having a known sperm donor is inherently risky, even if you have chosen this person carefully. This is virtually uncharted territory in Maine law, so there really isn’t a lot of guidance out there... Most of the reported cases concern relationships of ex-partners (gay and straight) to children after a break-up, but do not involve insemination. The obvious concern is that, while your donor may start out having no intent to parent the child at all, he may change his mind down the road and attempt to have a court award him parental rights."

As soon as the baby is born we'll be having the donor fill out paperwork terminating his rights to parent the child. The state of Maine does not require the father's name on the birth certificate, last I knew, so that won't be an issue.

I do have a fear of having the donor attempt to take our child. One of the big reasons (aside from the huge financial burden) that we are not adopting is because an overseas adoption is even more expensive, and a birth mother in the US has the right to change her mind within a certain amount of time after the baby is born. I just can't do it. I can't even fathom that.

Further down our list of possible donors is a man that I doubt we would ever choose. I think we'd hit a sperm bank before going with him. However he actually offered to us years before we thought of having children. Although I think he'd be a really good donor in most ways, I know he wants to have a daughter and only has a son now. I fear that if we had a daughter he would try to lay claim. I've discussed this with him, and he insists he wouldn't, but emotions can change a person. Just because now he don't feel he would doesn't mean that the sight of perfect little baby fingers wouldn't change his mind...

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Bad Day Yesterday

The day started off innocently enough. I took a walk around the neighborhood with C discussing where we plan to start house shopping. It was nice, relaxing, beautiful. Then, about 11, I started getting horrible cramps. Hate PMS. I had only a four hour shift at work, which was awesome, but I had to work a pallet of 40lb bags of dog food. THEN my coworker lost track of time, took her lunch break too late, so there was no opportunity for me to take a 15 minute break.

On top of that, my manager announced wanting a store meeting this coming sunday at 6:30. Exactly when Donor #1 is supposed to be coming over to give us his answer. I told her I can't make it, she said she'll look into scheduling it for the next week. She really is a wonderful person, and I have to make sure I tell her that today since I'm in a better mood. But even though she's willing to reschedule it was just a punch in the stomach to have her say that. We've tried four times to get him over for dinner. We've asked the question, and we're just waiting for a dinner date to get his answer. It seemed like her announcing this meeting was just another roadblock. A frustrating roadblock. Just standing in our way, making this even more difficult than it needs to be.

It's not that I need him to say yes. I just need him to give us an answer so that we can move on to asking donor #2 if he does say no. Because the longer we take getting an answer from him, and the possibility of him not being willing to do it, make it that much longer before we can start trying to get pregnant, that much longer before we SUCCEED at getting pregnant... That much longer before we have the family we dream of.

But, this morning our parrot actually let me sleep until 8:30 (usually he wakes me as soon as C leaves for work at 6:30) and so I'm taking that as a sign that today will be a good day! I'm going to take a shower, fill my travel mug with coffee, and go for a walk to wake myself up. And I'm NOT going to think about babies for the next hour...

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Legalities

There's so much legal stuff involved in lesbian parenting. We have to have a signed donor agreement, my partner has to adopt the baby after his/her birth, we have to make sure we're covered legally in case something happens to me during childbirth. I had someone say to me "well, why don't you just sleep with a guy?" Well, then he can claim the baby as his own, he can take away my parental rights if he wants. There are a lot of reasons I can't do that. But god, when I'm faced with a five page donor agreement that I have to go through line by line to be sure it's what we want... it's tempting.

Trials of Becoming Lesbian Moms

This is a way for me to record this process so that when we finally are moms we have something to show our child. This is a way for me to vent about the stress and the difficult aspects of the process. And a way for me to express my fears and my excitement.

My partner and I have been together for five years this June. For the sake of this blog, she will just be C. C and I were introduced through a friend. I consider our relationship to be a really good one. Not without it's share of issues, like any relationship, but we are honest with each other, we truly love each other and care for each other.

Another important person in this is our best friend, who we affectionately refer to as the girl. The girl lives right down the street from us. She has three children and quite a few grandchildren. To us, she is family. We have been friends for many years, and gone through more together than we sometimes want to remember.

And now, the real reason I'm writing today. The difficulties of becoming lesbian moms. Problem #1, finding sperm. On a tv show we watch one of the characters says something to the effect of "these guys'll leave this stuff in every public restroom in town, but you ask to use it and it's suddenly liquid gold". And ya know, when you're a lesbian wanting to have a baby, it feels that way.

We have asked donor choice #1. We are waiting for an answer. With any luck, he's coming over for dinner this coming Sunday, but we've been planning that for awhile. We'll see if he actually can make it this time. Seems like something always comes up and either he isn't available, or we aren't.

I never did want kids. A friend of mine, who is pregnant right now (like it seems all my friends are all of a sudden), pointed that out to me yesterday. And it's true, I swore I'd never have kids. But looking back I know that I said that because I didn't think I'd ever find someone like C. Someone I would want to have a child with. Someone who so deserves to be a mom. When we play with the girl's grandkids, and I watch C chasing them around it is so evident to me that she should be a parent. She should have her own child.

I will be the one carrying our baby. I also swore I would never get pregnant. So why am I planning to? Well, that's a decision that took a long time to make, and would bore you. But, circumstances being as they are, I plan to have our baby. The things that worry most women about getting pregnant don't worry me. I'm not concerned about weight gain, nor am I concerned about the physical changes to the body otherwise. I'm not afraid of giving birth, though that may change when it's actually closer to. My mother had five children, never had drugs with any one of us. And trust me, she has no pain tolerance. To me giving birth is natural, it's something that happens every day, and my body was created perfectly by mother nature to do it. So that isn't scary.

I am, however, afraid of losing my ability to take care of myself. I'm afraid of having to ask C and the girl to do things for me. I'm afraid of losing my upper body strength, which I take great pride in, because I won't be able to lift for awhile. I'm afraid of losing control of my emotions. I'm afraid of having to pee a lot. I'm afraid of people babying me.

And, my biggest fear, I'm afraid that people will jokingly refer to C as my husband. And that when they do I will get angry. And that my anger will be dismissed as pregnancy hormones, instead of taken for what it is. I don't have a great relationship with my parents and part of that is because I'm a lesbian so when people jokingly call C my husband I get very offended. I've had to work very hard to prove her as my wife to my family, and not as my roommate. So it feels like it is trivialized when people refer to her as my husband, even in jest.

I guess that's all I have to say at the moment. I don't know how often I will post here. And chances are good most of my posts here will be about frustration and anger. I'll try to post when there are good things, too...