Trials of Becoming Lesbian Moms

This is a way for me to record this process so that when we finally are moms we have something to show our child. This is a way for me to vent about the stress and the difficult aspects of the process. And a way for me to express my fears and my excitement.

My partner and I have been together for five years this June. For the sake of this blog, she will just be C. C and I were introduced through a friend. I consider our relationship to be a really good one. Not without it's share of issues, like any relationship, but we are honest with each other, we truly love each other and care for each other.

Another important person in this is our best friend, who we affectionately refer to as the girl. The girl lives right down the street from us. She has three children and quite a few grandchildren. To us, she is family. We have been friends for many years, and gone through more together than we sometimes want to remember.

And now, the real reason I'm writing today. The difficulties of becoming lesbian moms. Problem #1, finding sperm. On a tv show we watch one of the characters says something to the effect of "these guys'll leave this stuff in every public restroom in town, but you ask to use it and it's suddenly liquid gold". And ya know, when you're a lesbian wanting to have a baby, it feels that way.

We have asked donor choice #1. We are waiting for an answer. With any luck, he's coming over for dinner this coming Sunday, but we've been planning that for awhile. We'll see if he actually can make it this time. Seems like something always comes up and either he isn't available, or we aren't.

I never did want kids. A friend of mine, who is pregnant right now (like it seems all my friends are all of a sudden), pointed that out to me yesterday. And it's true, I swore I'd never have kids. But looking back I know that I said that because I didn't think I'd ever find someone like C. Someone I would want to have a child with. Someone who so deserves to be a mom. When we play with the girl's grandkids, and I watch C chasing them around it is so evident to me that she should be a parent. She should have her own child.

I will be the one carrying our baby. I also swore I would never get pregnant. So why am I planning to? Well, that's a decision that took a long time to make, and would bore you. But, circumstances being as they are, I plan to have our baby. The things that worry most women about getting pregnant don't worry me. I'm not concerned about weight gain, nor am I concerned about the physical changes to the body otherwise. I'm not afraid of giving birth, though that may change when it's actually closer to. My mother had five children, never had drugs with any one of us. And trust me, she has no pain tolerance. To me giving birth is natural, it's something that happens every day, and my body was created perfectly by mother nature to do it. So that isn't scary.

I am, however, afraid of losing my ability to take care of myself. I'm afraid of having to ask C and the girl to do things for me. I'm afraid of losing my upper body strength, which I take great pride in, because I won't be able to lift for awhile. I'm afraid of losing control of my emotions. I'm afraid of having to pee a lot. I'm afraid of people babying me.

And, my biggest fear, I'm afraid that people will jokingly refer to C as my husband. And that when they do I will get angry. And that my anger will be dismissed as pregnancy hormones, instead of taken for what it is. I don't have a great relationship with my parents and part of that is because I'm a lesbian so when people jokingly call C my husband I get very offended. I've had to work very hard to prove her as my wife to my family, and not as my roommate. So it feels like it is trivialized when people refer to her as my husband, even in jest.

I guess that's all I have to say at the moment. I don't know how often I will post here. And chances are good most of my posts here will be about frustration and anger. I'll try to post when there are good things, too...