Long Update... Still no computer at home.

In my entry on June 2nd about depression I said "It's not PMS". Well no, it wasn't PMS. But I did start my period just a couple of days after that. I looked back through my calendar and it was right on time, I just did my math wrong when predicting when I would start next.

It wasn't PMS, it was PMDD. When I was a teenager my doctor said I would probably develop it because I was showing early signs of it. In the last year it appears to have hit full force. I don't get normal cramps. I get cramps that will literally knock me to my knees as I'm walking across a room. Last Tuesday night I was actually having suicidal thoughts. Nothing out of control, but definitely beyond the norm of a woman with PMS. When I started my period on Saturday it hit me that it was because of my cycle.

I've been doing some research into PMDD and the effects it has on a woman. From what I've read it tends to affect more women who already have some form of depression, it just makes their depression worse the week before they begin their menstrual cycle. It also increases a woman's chance of having postpartum depression or postpartum psychosis. Definitely something that I will need to discuss with my doctor once we do get pregnant.

When your body completely revolts on you once a month, causes you pain that keeps you out of work, makes you puke, and gives you depression so bad you're suicidal... well, you'd hate your body, too. I don't really hate my body, but I've never really liked being a girl. I don't want to be a guy either. I like looking really androgynous. But as I look at PMDD it makes sense that part of me would really hate being a girl!

C and I were talking last night about what we will tell our child about the donor. The donor we've chosen has no interest in being a father. His exact words were "this would be a gift to you two, because I think you should be parents. I have one child and I have no interest in being dad!"

One of the books I'm reading suggests telling the story from day one. Whispering to your sleeping infant that they are the product of a gift, and that a really nice man made the donation to bring them into the world. Tell them they are a product of true love, because their parents went through so much to create them. I like that idea a lot. One of the things the book says is that this gives you the opportunity to perfect the story as they get older, so that by the time they actually understand the words you know exactly how it all sounds.

I'm actually interested in how that will work out. C and I have very different communication styles, and when our child asks me birds and bees questions the answer will be very different from when they ask C. I'm curious. Will our child end up communicating like C? Like myself?

Like any other would-be parent I wonder a lot about these things. Will they like football like C does? Art like I do? Will they listen to the girl's music? Will they want to draw in sidewalk chalk, or would they rather crash matchbox cars into each other on the kitchen floor? Will they have someone they compete with like the girl's granddaughter and grandson do? Will they miss out by not having siblings?

I have been itching to write here for a few days and this was my first opportunity. Huge thanks to the girl for the use of her computer as I still battle a virus on my own! Send some love to my computer so I can be on here more often.