My relationship with my mom...

I have a very strained relationship with my mother. I'm on the phone with her as I write this. She has been having a lot of problems with diverticulitis. In a few weeks she's supposed to have surgery. Part of my problem with my mother is I've never felt like I could rely on her. She calls me to borrow money, she calls me to cry on my shoulder, she calls me because she is in pain and doesn't know what to do. I don't feel like I can call her for these things. The roles feel very reversed.

I don't have much of a relationship with my father at all. We are polite to each other. I don't honestly remember the last time I hugged him or the last time he told me he loved me. He's not accepting of the fact that I'm gay, and is openly against homosexual rights, gay marriage, etc.

Growing up I felt very much closer to my grandmother. My grandmother and my uncle were the first to say they accepted that I was gay, and loved me no matter what. The two of them and my aunt were my world growing up. Since both my uncle and my grandmother are gone I find myself missing that sort of parental relationship. I feel as though I'm ready to be on the other end of it. I want to be mom now. I want to have that mother/child bond that I've always felt was missing from my life. I accept that the chances of getting it with my own parents are slim, but I am ready to be the parent.

In our First Time Home Buyers Class last night they talked about "gift money" you can recieve from family to pay for a house.

My mother needs to borrow money from me this weekend...

This is a constant issue with me when it comes to my mother. We just talked for forty minutes. I can tell her about my friends new car, about the girl's granddaughter assuming we'll always come visit her on Sunday afternoon, about the weddings I'm photographing this summer... But I can't tell her I want a baby. I can't tell her that C and I are working on mounds of paperwork to protect our relationship since we can't be legally married. I can't tell her any of that...

I hope that when I have a child they feel they can rely on me. I don't want them to feel the role reversal that I've grown up with... At least, not until I'm really old and need someone to buy me Depends. :)