Nothing to do with becoming a mom...

...but I don't want to say this on my other blogs because of certain people that read them.

I will NOT jump on the bipolar/manic/depressed bandwagon. I refuse.

But moments like this I have to wonder...

I have no real reason to be depressed. I have no real reason for this anxiety I'm feeling. Not a solid one... Yet my mind won't shut up. All I want to do is sleep. And I could cry right now for nothing.

It's not PMS. It's just... It feels stupid, really.

It is stupid. I hate feeling like I'm depressed for no reason. The things I was feeling sad about have passed. I just can't seem to shake the feeling...

I felt this same way a couple of weeks ago. That day I had this sinking feeling that turned into a HUGE conversation with my wife and I asked the girl a question that upset her. A few hours later I was sitting at the computer and it just... broke. It snapped. And I felt better. Like, out of nowhere the anxiety just lifted.

A week before that it started with someone making a comment to me and ended in me creating this blog.

I can hope for it to just lift now like it did then, but that doesn't make it any easier. It's also not a SOLUTION. This is the third time in two months that I've felt this way.

I feel as though I'm holding the world with slippery hands, and I may lose it at any moment. I may lose my grasp on all that I love. I feel INCREDIBLY selfish and self-absorbed. I feel like crying.

And I have no idea why I'm feeling any of this. That's the hardest thing... I don't have a clue where this is coming from. Or how to get rid of it...

Is this the price I pay for being the way I am with people? Maybe I focus SO MUCH on other people that this is my mind's way of shutting off my compassion and giving me a break... It does feel like a break, in some ways. And maybe I can't shake it because part of me relishes this break and doesn't want it to end...

Or maybe I'm just bordering on insane. Standing on the edge of a cliff. About to fall into TRUE insanity.