Having a Known Donor

We've said from the start that we would like to have a known donor. We want our donor to be "uncle" to our child. We want them to know, when they are older, who the donor was. We do NOT, however, want anyone else to know. We will know, the donor, his spouse (if he has one), and the notary who signs our paperwork. That's it. Part of our donor contract that we have written out states that none of us will tell anyone who the donor is.

I emailed a lawyer that has been helping in this, and who I plan to hire later if need be when C goes for second parent adoption. Her response was: "One thing you should know, as I’m sure you already do, is that having a known sperm donor is inherently risky, even if you have chosen this person carefully. This is virtually uncharted territory in Maine law, so there really isn’t a lot of guidance out there... Most of the reported cases concern relationships of ex-partners (gay and straight) to children after a break-up, but do not involve insemination. The obvious concern is that, while your donor may start out having no intent to parent the child at all, he may change his mind down the road and attempt to have a court award him parental rights."

As soon as the baby is born we'll be having the donor fill out paperwork terminating his rights to parent the child. The state of Maine does not require the father's name on the birth certificate, last I knew, so that won't be an issue.

I do have a fear of having the donor attempt to take our child. One of the big reasons (aside from the huge financial burden) that we are not adopting is because an overseas adoption is even more expensive, and a birth mother in the US has the right to change her mind within a certain amount of time after the baby is born. I just can't do it. I can't even fathom that.

Further down our list of possible donors is a man that I doubt we would ever choose. I think we'd hit a sperm bank before going with him. However he actually offered to us years before we thought of having children. Although I think he'd be a really good donor in most ways, I know he wants to have a daughter and only has a son now. I fear that if we had a daughter he would try to lay claim. I've discussed this with him, and he insists he wouldn't, but emotions can change a person. Just because now he don't feel he would doesn't mean that the sight of perfect little baby fingers wouldn't change his mind...