Monday, June 29, 2009

I hope...

...that when we have a baby I will still find a day here and there to spend in the kitchen, cooking for my loved ones, like I am today. I want my child to grow up looking forward to mom's bread, like I looked forward to my dad's bread as a kid. There was nothing like walking through the door after school to the smell of french bread, and having him hand me a slice with nutella on it. It was a rare event, but I think that made me appreciate it even more.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Insemination

We have the book "The Guide To Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy and Birth" and it talks about setting the scene for at-home insemination. Incense, candles, music, whatever you want. I purchased Patchouli incense today for this purpose. Patchouli is a scent I really love, it is tied magickally to women's secrets and fertility, and it's a very relaxing scent so it's one I think will work really well for this process.

I'm just a hippie at heart, because the whole candles, incense, music thing really intrigues me. Every conception is different. One night stand or wedding night, it's all different. We have an opportunity that heterosexual couples don't always get. We get to choose the genes we want to pass on, we get to choose the timing, we get to choose the location of conception. We get to choose the environment for conception. There have been times I've been overwhelmed by all the choices we get to make, because there are so many choices. But if I stand back and look at the big picture, we're lucky. And creating the perfect environment for insemination is just one more way we are lucky.

I've said since we first discussed the possibility of a baby that I will decide it all, as long as I am medically allowed. Did I mention I'm a control freak? Obviously if there is something wrong it will be out of my hands, and I will have to trust doctors. But as long as I am capable, I will be deciding. I have a friend who had a baby a couple of years ago and when I asked her, "Do you plan to get drugs, or go natural?" she said, "I thought the doctors would decide that?" This conversation was a week before her baby was born. She hadn't educated herself on her childbirth choices at all. When I told her that should be her decision she said, "Why?" I, on the other hand, am a researcher. I've read everything from detailed descriptions of c-sections to at home births. I've even read accounts of women purposely giving birth alone in the woods (which is way too scary for me to even comprehend). I've read about women who have orgasmed as the baby was born, and some women actually believe that if the mother holds onto that concept, it is perfectly natural. The quote I read was "you start the pregnancy that way, why not bookend it?" I've watched more videos of births than I care to remember.

I don't know exactly what I want yet, but I'll have nine months to decide on that. I do, however, know what I want for our insemination process, and have started collecting things. The one thing I can't find, that I really want, is some sort of small sculpture that represents family. I want some sort of abstract, primitive statue of two people with a baby. Most of those statues distinctively show a male and a female, but I've seen a few that were very androgynous. I want to put it at the head of our bed while we're going through this process. Kind of a symbol of the family we want to create.

It's all symbolic with me. I will wear the right jewelry, the right oils, drink the right teas. All in hopes that the gods will see what I'm planning and lend their support. I can be a very superstitious person...

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Straightening Things Out

The donor goes for his testing Tuesday evening. I really think he's the ideal donor, so lets hope it goes well!

C and I have been talking quite a bit the last 24 hours. I'm a control freak. I have a really hard time letting go of responsibilities. If something needs to be done I feel like I have to do it. If I don't do it it won't get done right, or it won't get done at all. Because of this I've been handling everything. I've done all the paperwork for our donor contract, all the research into insemination, all the financial planning. Everything. I need to be able to pass some things off to C, but I'm not sure how to handle that. If I do give her things to do one of two things will happen... I'll hate how she does it (cause I'm anal) and I'll redo it, or I'll feel like she isn't getting it done in time and I'll nag her until we fight about it. Then she'll do it just to get me off her back... Which will irritate me and I'll redo it just so it isn't tainted by the fact that she did it in anger.

See the issue here?

So, I was going to talk to the girl tonight about it, but she's basically in the process of flipping the f*** out... so I'll be waiting to talk to her about it later. When I talked to her she was at that "so angry nothing else can possibly enter my mind" point. We all know I've been there before, so I can understand... I just gotta wait for her to simmer a little while now.

Since I couldn't talk to the girl tonight I sat back down here at my computer and ended up talking to the person I least expected to ask questions about babies. She hates kids. Always has. Has no interest in children. But I didn't even bring it up... she prompted the conversation and ended up being the venting point for me that the girl wasn't able to be this evening. Surprised me, but it was nice...

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

some women are from Venus, some are from Mars...

I spoke with the donor last night and he assured me he'll be making an appointment this afternoon for his testing and that he still very much wants to do this. Some things going on in his personal life had overwhelmed his thoughts for a few days so he had forgotten to make the appointment. I don't blame him, because I know the things he's talking about and they are really big things... Devastating things. I feel for him.

The girl and I are talkers. We express ourselves. We write, we talk, we sing. C is laconic. Exhaustingly so. Sometimes I feel as though I have to fight to get her to tell me how she feels. I met the girl just a few months after I met C, and yet I know the girls thoughts, confusing as they can be. I can read her. I can't read C. She remains shrouded in mystery most of the time. Opposites attract, and C and I are complete evidence of that. She is everything I'm not. I feel this will make us good parents, because we balance each other out. But sometimes it's very difficult to live with someone who barely speaks. To me quality time is spent conversing. She'd just as soon sit in front of the tv, so long as we're side by side.

This is something we've discussed many times and have worked to balance out. She tries to talk with me, I try to sit silently with her. But when I'm feeling incredibly emotional or frustrated her inability to discuss my emotions with me only makes it worse. A lot of times her answer is "have you talked to the girl about this?" because she knows that the girl gets it. The girl understands emotions. C doesn't. It's not a fault, it's simply a manner of difference between us.

When people say "gay marriage isn't right" they are fools. Because my marriage is exactly like every other. Venus fell in love with Mars...

Monday, June 22, 2009

Each Month Passes

It's my body. I am aware of it's cycles. To others it may seem like we're just waiting for a donor, just waiting for the right timing... to me it's another month we've passed. Another ovulation that amounted to nothing. Another wasted egg as we wait for a donor.

Our donor who said yes hasn't gone for his testing. I'm honestly not sure he will be our donor. My instincts are telling me he's having second thoughts about it... I'm hoping to catch him online tonight to talk about it. It's so much easier to talk about some things when you aren't face to face. I'm a writer by nature. For me everything comes out better in writing than it does out loud.

I'm just angry lately. I'm tired. I feel very alone in this process. C doesn't share my body, she doesn't know when I'm ovulating, and how it feels to know we've just passed another opportunity without any chance of a baby. She doesn't understand. She may want a baby, but it doesn't matter when she ovulates. It doesn't matter how her health is. It's not up to her to do the charting to figure out the optimal timing for insemination and all that...

If he is having second thoughts I hope he says something very soon because I want to move on to our next choice... Waiting puts me in a VERY bad mood...

The girl took us out for ice cream tonight. She's so amazing and understanding... I don't know how I would handle these emotions if I didn't have her.

Friday, June 19, 2009

One Sentence Says All

A woman came into my store today. She was a stereotypical lesbian. Beyond stereotypical. Short, chubby, L.L. Bean sweatshirt, a leather rainbow wrist cuff, socks and sandals... the whole deal. She was shopping with her mother and her 3 year old little boy. I didn't pay too much attention until I overheard an exchange between this woman and her mother. They were trying to get the little boy out of the store, which is difficult in a pet store. Kids do love animals. Her mother jokingly said, "Why don't you go get me another grandchild?" and the woman looked at her and said, "Mom, I'm gay. It was hard enough getting this child!"

With that one sentence she said everything. Everything.

It was hard enough getting this child.

She left my store without a clue as to how her sentence had hit me. We're not alone. A few years ago this woman went through what we are going through, in one way or another. We are not the only lesbians working their asses off to have a baby.

Tomorrow is our Pride festival. Lots of lesbians with babies will be around. Proof that it is possible... We will get the family we want.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

driving this train...

I went to see the donor yesterday. He hasn't "had a chance" to go for the testing yet.

I'm so ready to get this process started, and there's nothing I can do. I just have to wait.

I am NOT a patient person and I feel like I'm surrounded by procrastinators.

Monday, June 15, 2009

therapist

Again I find myself playing therapist for my friend who recently miscarried. I used Eat Misery's Blog as proof for her that what she is feeling is normal. Her mom keeps making her feel like she should just "get over it". I can't believe how cold her mother has been about this. Actually, I believe it entirely because I know her mother... Her mother and I hate each other, and with good reason. So I'm trying to explain to her that what she is doing is grieving, that she needs to just relax and let herself feel what she's feeling.

And I need to just relax and let myself feel what I'm feeling. The anxiety, the nervousness, the impatience. I'm on edge right now, waiting to find out if our chosen donor's std testing comes back clean. I'm terrified it won't come back clean...

I fear we'll turn into the lesbians in the opening episode of "The L Word" just asking any and every male they know for sperm.

Fear. Seems I've been using that word a lot lately.

When this friend got pregnant she sent a not-so-nice message to her ex, who is also a "friend" of mine, saying "obviously the reason we couldn't have a baby was you, because I'm pregnant now." Last week he came into my store and childishly informed me that the day of her miscarriage was "the giddiest day" of his life. If I hadn't been at work, I would have hit him. I know she said some bad things to him... but to be HAPPY because someone miscarried? Miscarriages are so common, and yet people who have never experienced one just don't get it. They can't get it. Which is frustrating... A few days before she realized she was having a miscarriage I had lectured her about the fact that she should have waited to get pregnant. I still stand by that. She has no job, no driver's license, and lives with her emotionally abusive and controlling mother. But I also feel guilty for the timing on that discussion.

I just can't believe he said those things. The idea that he could be HAPPY about her miscarriage... the he didn't feel the slightest bit of compassion for her, or her child...

I'm babbling. I'm exhausted. I'm going to go curl up with my wife...

Sunday, June 14, 2009

I want to be pregnant

There was a time I swore I didn't want kids...

I want a baby.

I can't stop thinking about it. It's become obsessive. I want it.

I feel like at least if we were able to start trying now it'd feel better, but I'm not sure... Maybe once we start trying I'll become even more anxious.

I never wanted to feel this way. I'm a little pissed at the world for the fact that I do feel this way...

Saturday, June 13, 2009


baby details by ~Juliephotography on deviantART

Donor Identity

Hiding the identity of the donor is going to be difficult. I can tell this already... Because everyone wants to know.

I've already decided that when people outside my little circle ask how we got pregnant my answer will be immaculate conception. Or alien abduction, I haven't decided which... But that will be my polite way of saying "none of your fucking business, kiss my lesbian ass." lol

A straight couple who has fertility issues may use a donor or something, but people don't presume to ask them such questions!

But people close to us want to know. We don't want them to, the donor we're hoping for doesn't want anyone to know. We won't tell anyone... but it's hard.

A very close friend of mine, who also happens to be a coworker, asked last night if we had decided on a donor. I told her we're waiting for him to come back clean on his STD testing. She asked if she was allowed to know who it was and I said, "no, I'm sorry". She said she understood. She was amazing about it, really. She isn't a nosy person at all. In fact, most of the time she's perfectly happy not knowing anything... until it's presented to her as a mystery. Knowing she CAN'T know was driving her crazy. She has an overworked mind she can't shut off, which is something I can completely relate to. She was trying so hard not to be bothered by the fact that she wasn't allowed to know, but her mind was just reeling with the possibilities. I could see it.

I love her for the way she handled it, but it made it almost harder to not tell her.

C and I are not the type to lie to anyone, so not being able to tell people the truth about who our donor is will be very difficult for us. All I can do is hope that one day people stop asking...

Thursday, June 11, 2009

I wish...

that there was a way for us to go to camp for a few days and make a baby there. I wish that was possible. There's just no way.

I hate that we have to involve other people.

The girl and I went to get some paperwork notarized at the town hall for her to become a notary. Part of the reason I want her to be a notary is because I want someone we are close to and trust to notarize paperwork like the donor contract. As we were leaving I said to her, "Now you see why I wouldn't want to take paperwork like a donor contract to a stranger to notarize?" There is no privacy to it. There are already too many people involved in this process, I don't want to add to the list. I wish there was a way for it to be just about us and our baby and our family. It's just not possible. It doesn't work that way. Maybe after the baby is born it will be, but until then...

The phrase "It takes a village to raise a child" comes to mind... only in this case, it feels like it's taking a village to MAKE a child...

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

money

Everyone says "you'll never feel like you have enough money to have a kid".

When you have to find a way to buy a new computer randomly one wednesday evening you really feel that...

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Long Update... Still no computer at home.

In my entry on June 2nd about depression I said "It's not PMS". Well no, it wasn't PMS. But I did start my period just a couple of days after that. I looked back through my calendar and it was right on time, I just did my math wrong when predicting when I would start next.

It wasn't PMS, it was PMDD. When I was a teenager my doctor said I would probably develop it because I was showing early signs of it. In the last year it appears to have hit full force. I don't get normal cramps. I get cramps that will literally knock me to my knees as I'm walking across a room. Last Tuesday night I was actually having suicidal thoughts. Nothing out of control, but definitely beyond the norm of a woman with PMS. When I started my period on Saturday it hit me that it was because of my cycle.

I've been doing some research into PMDD and the effects it has on a woman. From what I've read it tends to affect more women who already have some form of depression, it just makes their depression worse the week before they begin their menstrual cycle. It also increases a woman's chance of having postpartum depression or postpartum psychosis. Definitely something that I will need to discuss with my doctor once we do get pregnant.

When your body completely revolts on you once a month, causes you pain that keeps you out of work, makes you puke, and gives you depression so bad you're suicidal... well, you'd hate your body, too. I don't really hate my body, but I've never really liked being a girl. I don't want to be a guy either. I like looking really androgynous. But as I look at PMDD it makes sense that part of me would really hate being a girl!

C and I were talking last night about what we will tell our child about the donor. The donor we've chosen has no interest in being a father. His exact words were "this would be a gift to you two, because I think you should be parents. I have one child and I have no interest in being dad!"

One of the books I'm reading suggests telling the story from day one. Whispering to your sleeping infant that they are the product of a gift, and that a really nice man made the donation to bring them into the world. Tell them they are a product of true love, because their parents went through so much to create them. I like that idea a lot. One of the things the book says is that this gives you the opportunity to perfect the story as they get older, so that by the time they actually understand the words you know exactly how it all sounds.

I'm actually interested in how that will work out. C and I have very different communication styles, and when our child asks me birds and bees questions the answer will be very different from when they ask C. I'm curious. Will our child end up communicating like C? Like myself?

Like any other would-be parent I wonder a lot about these things. Will they like football like C does? Art like I do? Will they listen to the girl's music? Will they want to draw in sidewalk chalk, or would they rather crash matchbox cars into each other on the kitchen floor? Will they have someone they compete with like the girl's granddaughter and grandson do? Will they miss out by not having siblings?

I have been itching to write here for a few days and this was my first opportunity. Huge thanks to the girl for the use of her computer as I still battle a virus on my own! Send some love to my computer so I can be on here more often.

Friday, June 5, 2009

feelings...

are funny things.

I'm starting a new meditation regiment. We'll see if that helps this anxiety thing any. I am really worried about hurting those around me, or damaging my relationship with those around me so I know I need to do something... Just trying to figure out what.


And in the meantime I'm battling the VIRUS FROM HELL on my computer. Typing this real fast at the girl's house...

Last night I held my 6 month old nephew. I was REALLY pissed off because of the virus on my computer and a few other things. He fell asleep in my arms. Sunk into my chest. Melted away my anger. And all I could think is "yes, this is what I need in my life."

A few minutes before that C sat on the couch with him talking to him as he babbled back at her. It was precious. This is what she needs, too.

Going out Saturday night. I think that will help a lot. Dancing, drinking, out with C, the girl and the girl's daughter. I need that sense of normalcy. I'm sure by Sunday morning I'll feel a lot better.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Tests and Stuff

We may have a donor... He has to get his testing done. If he's good, we're good.

I look forward to C and the girl making a fuss over the pregnancy.

I dread anyone else making a fuss over it... I hate to be fussed over.

But in this case, it seems okay for C and the girl to fuss...

Donor Meeting

Tonight we meet with another potential donor. Someone I swore off for awhile, but more and more he seems like the right choice... He's offered before so unless his health has changed in some way we aren't aware we know he's interested. We just have to discuss the terms of the situation with him. The fact that he would be required to give up parental rights right after the baby is born and all that...

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Nothing to do with becoming a mom...

...but I don't want to say this on my other blogs because of certain people that read them.

I will NOT jump on the bipolar/manic/depressed bandwagon. I refuse.

But moments like this I have to wonder...

I have no real reason to be depressed. I have no real reason for this anxiety I'm feeling. Not a solid one... Yet my mind won't shut up. All I want to do is sleep. And I could cry right now for nothing.

It's not PMS. It's just... It feels stupid, really.

It is stupid. I hate feeling like I'm depressed for no reason. The things I was feeling sad about have passed. I just can't seem to shake the feeling...

I felt this same way a couple of weeks ago. That day I had this sinking feeling that turned into a HUGE conversation with my wife and I asked the girl a question that upset her. A few hours later I was sitting at the computer and it just... broke. It snapped. And I felt better. Like, out of nowhere the anxiety just lifted.

A week before that it started with someone making a comment to me and ended in me creating this blog.

I can hope for it to just lift now like it did then, but that doesn't make it any easier. It's also not a SOLUTION. This is the third time in two months that I've felt this way.

I feel as though I'm holding the world with slippery hands, and I may lose it at any moment. I may lose my grasp on all that I love. I feel INCREDIBLY selfish and self-absorbed. I feel like crying.

And I have no idea why I'm feeling any of this. That's the hardest thing... I don't have a clue where this is coming from. Or how to get rid of it...

Is this the price I pay for being the way I am with people? Maybe I focus SO MUCH on other people that this is my mind's way of shutting off my compassion and giving me a break... It does feel like a break, in some ways. And maybe I can't shake it because part of me relishes this break and doesn't want it to end...

Or maybe I'm just bordering on insane. Standing on the edge of a cliff. About to fall into TRUE insanity.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Schedules

It's all about schedules. We need a time to get donor choices number 2 and 3 over to discuss things with them and figure out who we'll be going with. It's all about schedules. If I'm available, C isn't. If he's available I'm not. It's very frustrating... -just breathe- It'll happen. I know it will.