Friday, July 31, 2009

We NEED this onesie!





Or maybe we need the bib version... Or the kids hoodie... Or all of the above. lol
mombian.com

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

A Day Out

Going to spend today with C and my inlaws on a boat. I'm looking forward to a day with people who don't know that I might be pregnant. I purposely avoided taking a test yesterday simply because I didn't want the results on my mind or C's mind. See, I can be a patient person.

The entire idea that the mind can create symptoms of being pregnant fascinates me. Can't help but wonder... One of the symptoms I have right now is something I didn't realize happens to pregnant women, however it can also happen to stressed out women, so who's to say? And one of the symptoms that would have been an obvious sign to me I don't have at all...

So, I'm off... Here's to hoping I don't puke all over the boat!

Monday, July 27, 2009

Elton

Hey you, you're a child in my head
You haven't walked yet
Your first words have yet to be said
But I swear you'll be blessed

I know you're still just a dream
your eyes might be green
Or the bluest that I've ever seen
Anyway you'll be blessed

And you, you'll be blessed
You'll have the best
I promise you that
I'll pick a star from the sky
Pull your name from a hat
I promise you that, promise you that, promise you that
You'll be blessed

I need you before I'm too old
To have and to hold
To walk with you and watch you grow
And know that you're blessed

Sunday, July 26, 2009

hehehe

I bitched and bitched about not wanting everyone to know my cycle... lol... And then I made a little ticker with a little fag-bunny hopping across it so all my blog readers know exactly what it is!

hehehe

I know, I contradict myself... but he is a cute little dancing fag bunny...

Friday, July 24, 2009

The Vagina Monologues

On the fourth of July a friend made a reference to "The Vagina Monologues" and was shocked when I told him I hadn't seen it. It was on my Netflix Queue but kept getting bumped to the bottom of the list for other movies. I am a woman, a lesbian, a politically-aware person, a victim of abuse, a theatre geek, and I want to be a mom. He knows all this, and these are the reasons he was shocked I hadn't seen this movie. Now that I have seen it, I understand his shock. However, I also know why I hadn't seen it before. The universe was holding it for me... Waiting. For this moment. For this point in my life. When I have to accept my femininity more than I ever have before. When I had to actually go LOOKING for a man, after spending ten years convincing the world I don't have a use for them. There are a million reasons.

All those lame things people say like "this movie changed my life" and "I'll never forget..." blah blah... Well, I don't think I'd go THAT far. It hasn't changed my life... But it has given me a sense of comfort in what we are trying to accomplish. A sense of comfort I didn't have before.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Let Me Be!

I turned on "Cybill". Maryanne was taking a pregnancy test.

I switched to "That 70's Show"... Kelso was watching his daughter for the first time.

"Reba"... Cheyenne is pregnant for the 2nd time.

"Torchwood"... Gwen (who told her husband she never wanted kids because her career comes first) is pregnant.

"King of Queens"... A show about a couple that is childless... and they're discussing whether or not they'll want a baby one day!!!

So I came online only to find a woman with an infant hanging out in my virtual vampire club...

WTF?

I give up! I'm finally at a point where what happens from here on out is really out of my hands. I don't have to think about paperwork, finding a donor, any of that. I can finally calm down. All I want is to be able to quiet my mind, relax, and wait and see what happens and the world won't fucking let me! Just give me a few moments without babies! Please!!! I don't want to be obsessed but the minute I stop thinking about babies, one shows up!!!

Feeling Sick

It's not morning sickness, but of course since so many people know we're trying the minute I complain of nausea everyone drives me nuts with that question...

So, since it was on my mind anyway when my sister called last night I asked her if she had morning sickness. She said not only did she not get any morning sickness while pregnant, my mom never did either. My mom had five kids and not a bit of morning sickness.

Either way the nausea and urge to puke I've been feeling the last twenty four hours is just the bug that everyone I work with has right now! Nothing more! Relax people! Give me some air!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

No Privacy

Now that we'll be actively trying to get pregnant I'm very uncomfortable with how many people know that. If I could have I would have avoided anyone besides C, the girl, the donor and myself knowing that we'd started trying. But that just didn't work out... I needed someone to get me syringes and couldn't bring myself to pay for them when I could get them for free. I have a friend who works with wildlife so I asked her to give me some. Unfortunately, that meant telling her when we would need them... She came over today and immediately asked if I'd bought a bunch of pregnancy tests so we were prepared. -breathes- Oh, and that friend lives with two of our other closest friends... And we all work together...

I feel like everyone is going to be watching me, waiting. Looking for signs of pregnancy. Bad enough that I'll be doing that! I don't want everyone else to! I have miscarried once before and because of this I don't really want to tell EVERYONE the minute we find out we're pregnant. But people are going to be looking for signs, because so many people know we're trying.

I'm also nervous about when we are pregnant, and when we do tell people, how that is going to go... With people who knew me when I swore I would never have kids... With family members who don't approve of my marriage... This won't be the happy announcement it should be with everyone... With most people we know it will be... but not everyone. And some of the people it won't go over well with are people that really matter... even though I don't necessarily want them to matter, they do.

Just feeling a lot of pressure today, I guess... Feels like it's all on me right now... -sigh-

I miss feeling like the strong, together one. I just feel so weak, out of control and scattered lately... I miss having someone rely on me instead. What was it the girl said? I just need a distraction...

Saturday, July 18, 2009

I'm Tired...

...of so many people being involved.

...of this being so "weird" and "abnormal".

I'm ready for the "normal" stuff to begin... Like morning sickness and baby puke...

Thursday, July 16, 2009

We Have A Donor

This is real. We are no longer the lesbians looking for sperm. We have a donor. He's tested clean and good to go. We're signing paperwork Saturday night with our notary (a.k.a. the girl) and our first insemination will follow within a few days after that.

I think it hit C tonight in a way it hadn't before. All of a sudden she is... SO EXCITED. Beyond anything I've seen up to this point. I keep having to remind her that it takes the average woman 4-6 months to get pregnant. She's pinning a lot of hopes on it not taking us that long. Honestly, I'm okay if it takes four to six months. I expect it to, even. Just knowing we have a donor and the process really can begin now makes me hate pregnant women a little less... lol

However, I'm beginning to think about money. I hope we can get enough into savings in the next few months to make me feel comfortable. We really don't have a lot to BUY for our baby so that's not an issue. I'm more concerned with covering medical expenses and time off from work. So, I'm going to start paying really close attention to our finances and trying to build us a little financial cushion as we begin this process... Any way I can make some extra cash I'm jumping on right now.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Yesterday

I babysat a friend's 3 year old yesterday. He's a very sweet child, but a handful like any other 3 year old. When we were at the grocery store I would step back a step or two to grab something and as I stepped back to the cart he would put his arms out for a hug every time. He and I played here for a few hours while I did some housework. We made chocolate cupcakes (which means I made cupcakes while he chased the cats around with any household object he could get his hands on). And, of course, we went to the park for awhile. His mother kept jokingly saying that he may turn me off from wanting kids altogether.

Completely the opposite. He confirmed for me yesterday that I want a child. Not only do I want a child, I want to be a stay at home mom. Or at least only work part time. I don't know that we can do that. C says she'll find a way, because she wants nothing more than to give me everything I dream of. I know she wants to do that. But I don't see how we will do it. Today's economy and society do not encourage stay-at-home-mom's.

On top of that, the feminist in me sometimes screams at me for wanting that. I think of the movie "Mona Lisa Smile". Julia Robert's character can't comprehend why her student would want to be a stay at home mom, and why she would give up law school and a career for children. To me it makes sense. I don't want to give up my career, but I want to be home with my children. And, at the moment, I have a job not a career. Photography is my career, and it's not enough of a career yet to support me. I suppose my goal should be to make it a career. When we have a house I hope to have the space for an in home studio, which would put my work as close to my child as possible.

I suppose that what yesterday confirmed for me was that I need to make my dreams of a photography career into a reality. I like to be home during the day. I enjoy cleaning my house. I enjoy sorting and folding laundry. I enjoy creating meals for my family.

After the child went home C's niece, her niece's husband and her nephew all came over for dinner. Just after they left my sister, her boyfriend and my 7 month old nephew stopped by. We had a full house from 6:30am until nearly 9 pm yesterday. I loved it. I was exhausted, but I loved it. I gave each person that stopped by a cupcake (food is love) and I enjoyed making a meal for the family members who were here at dinner time. I fell asleep at 9:30 last night. But I fell asleep feeling accomplished and more satisfied with my life than I normally do. To me, yesterday was perfect. Yesterday was exactly what I would love to spend the next 5 years or more of my life doing.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

One More Week

We should hear the results from his testing in one week. Once those come back we're good to go.

"There are only two worthwhile things to leave behind when you depart this world of ours: children and art."
from "Sunday In The Park With George"

I applied for a second job today. I want this job, but if I don't get it I'll be applying a few other places. My hours keep steadily decreasing at work. I love how much I'm getting done at home, but we just can't afford it. As much as we hated having a roommate... I really wish we had one now. Anything would help really.

I sat here with a ton of things on my mind... and I find myself with nothing to say.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Baby Clothes

For the last two years we've been collecting baby clothes. Most of the clothes have giraffes and penguins on them, which isn't a great surprise to anyone who knows us. We plan to decorate our child's room in animals and I plan to move my grandmother's fish tank into our child's room. That way my grandmother can watch over our child.

Today we moved in a small dresser that a friend was getting rid of. It's only three drawers and I've filled one drawer with clothes and one drawer with blankets.

I played with fabric paints. A blanket we have that said "I love my mommy" now says "I love my mommies" instead. :)

Saturday, July 4, 2009

I could really do without the dreams...

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

-sigh-

Alex brought in photos of his newborn.

Then Micki came in to show off her pregnant belly.

Melissa came in half an hour later to do the same.

Then came Kelsey with baby Devyn, so I could meet her for the first time.

Now I'm hanging in Second Life in a Vampire club and a pregnant chick walks in... NEVER seen a pregnant chick in this club before in the two years I've been hanging here.

The girl says it's the universe confirming that I need a baby... Not letting me forget it...

I'm thinking I'm going to take this kahlua to bed and try really hard not to think for the next 8 hours...

Testing

So far so good, but a few of the tests won't come back for two weeks.

Pre-menstrual want-kill-everyone-who-crosses-my-path is hitting me. I can feel it this morning. I don't have any interest in food when I'm like this which also doesn't help the mood. I just have to remind myself that is what this is. And wait it out.